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Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.

Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.